Forgiveness is a three-step process!

Forgiving is one of the toughest tasks in life. But, it is also a very important thing to do in order to be healthy at every level in life.

In this post, I am going to share 3 steps to help you forgive others.

But, before doing that, let me first tell you that forgiveness is a choice. It is something you will have to choose to do if you are truly intentional about being free and able to move on with life.

Let us now look at the steps that can get you to the stage of forgiving.

Step 1: Judge not

To judge means to decide or come to a choice.  It is also to come to a conclusion or a verdict, which can be negative (in favor of) or negative (condemnation).

When you come to a conclusion or verdict from the beginning of the process, then it means you’ve closed the case. In other words, it will become very challenging for you to proceed to the next steps. As a result, it will be so hard to reach the point of forgiving.

Here are the reasons why we should not judge:

1) Based on Luke 6: 37, “judge not so that you are not judged.”

2) God is the “only Lawgiver and Judge who is able to save and to destroy” (James 4: 12). That is why we should not judge each other.

3) Judging someone for their action will drain so much time and energy out of you, which you could have used for something better. In other words, judging is using your time and energy for the wrong purpose.

4) Judging others can affect your physical health. Spending time and energy on things that are emotionally hurtful to you may affect the other areas of your life. This can result into depressions, stress and other things that could hurt you more.

Step 2: Condemn not

The second step comes soon after the first one. To condemn results from judging. It is not just reflecting on what someone has done, but becoming literally this person’s judge for their action.

What happens is that you pronounce this person guilty and may even give them a sentence. In other words, you decide on a penalty they should get or a fine they should pay.

This step is characteristic of our human response to conflict or any kind of tension in life. We either fight or flee. But, Jesus, based on Luke 6:37, discourages us to do either of the above.

In Matthew 5, Jesus talks about loving not only our neighbors, but also our enemies. Instead of following what was common in His time such as: “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (Exodus 21: 23-25), we should love everyone. If they slap us on the right cheek, let us give them the left. If they ask us to go one mile, we should go two miles (Matthew 5).

That is the kind of response we give to those who hurt us, instead of judging and condemning them. 

Step 3: Forgive

Choosing not to judge and condemn leads to the final step, which is: “to forgive.” This can only happen when we choose not to judge and condemn.

There are 3 implications that come with forgiveness. 

  1) You are set free

Based on the Lord’s prayer, ”forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” we have 2 parts that can help us understand the freedom we get through forgiveness.

First, when we pray “forgive us our trespasses…,” what’s happening is we unload all our imperfections and burdens on Jesus Christ. That is what Jesus Christ expects from us. He said it once: “Come to me all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest…” (Matthew 11: 28-29). Taking and leaving all our burdens on Jesus sets us free. We walk free from the cross and God’s presence every time we bring to Him all our burdens.

Second, this statement, “… as we forgive those who trespass against us,” also points to the freedom we receive from God as we let others go free too. Choosing not to judge and condemn someone is to say to them: “I’ve forgiven you” and “be free.” It is to believe that “the Lord fights for us and that we should keep still (Exodus 14: 14). As a result, we let the person go free. The consequence of their action is between God and themselves. 

2) You are choosing to deal with what you can change and influence

To forgive means that you choose to deal only with what you can change and influence.

Here are some of the things you alone can change: bitterness, indignation, irritation, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, discontentment, discontent, resentfulness, bad feelings, hard feelings.

The power and the ability to end all the above feelings is dependent on your choice. No one will change how you feel about people. 

Since you cannot change the person or a situation that has hurt you, what you have to do is to work on yourself. Choose to be satisfied, happy and hopeful. Choose to control your feelings and change them by embracing an attitude that will help you be the best version of yourself.

3) You do not expect anything in return

The entire process for forgiving someone is a one-way practice. It is different from mediation, which is a two-way process.

Because forgiveness is a one-way process, you should never expect anything in return from the person you’re forgiving. If they learn from your attitude, that is up to them. But, don’t expect them to change because you’ve forgiven them.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6: 37)

This blog post is adapted from a sermon I delivered at the United Methodist Church in Harris and Lake Park, Iowa. Click below to listen to the full audio sermon.